Only Mostly Dead: The Zombie Quarterbackalypse of the 2020s

[JameisBrownston]

Gentlemen, we have observed the rise of a disturbing phenomenon of late upon the gridirons of America. Quarterbacks who have long been presumed dead have frequently been seen rising from the grave to terrify defenses far more than they ever did as lively first-round draft picks. The most recent of these events appears to have affected Sam Darnold, a noted seer of ghosts even before these recent paranormal shenanigans. Sam has long been known to his most loyal acolytes as the "God-Emperor Quarterback of the United States", or GEQBUS for short. However, their prophecies of banning Critical Gase Theory across the galaxy and deporting illegal Allens to the XFL seemingly failed to come to pass. However, as if to show us all just how much fate loves irony, word among the faithful has it that he is risen. Overcoming a radical McCarthyist witch hunt, he has taken over KOC's "Squad", who had been LOSERS under Kooky Kirk (I mean come on, his parents are Cousins'!), and now they're winning like no one has ever seen before; you're gonna get so sick and tired of all this winning, believe me folks.

This is not the first instance of this alarming phenomenon that has shown itself. Most recently, we had Baker Mayfield, claimed by a catastrophic baking accident, reanimated by a pirate cult previously accused of practicing necromancy on a GOAT, and seemingly returned from the beyond with divine baking inspiration. There was Geno Smith, his football life taken in cold blood over $800 in bet money, and had been dead for so long he had already rotted on the bench by the time of his reincarnation as a mythical Seahawk. There was Jared Goff, whom one could say was merely on life support, but there seemed no hope for his recovery, until a pack of lions took him in and somehow nursed him back to health. Not every attempt has been successful, though; the reanimation of Marcus Mariota, for one ill-fated example, produced a shambling husk that was put down as soon as it arose.

Back in my day, when quarterbacks were dead, they stayed dead. Now, it seems that any year, any given Sunday, our very division titles can be taken from us without warning by these undead abominations. They can come from anywhere, and no one is safe. Who could be the next zombie quarterback to terrorize the league? Will Carson Wentz be rejuvenated by the shamanic practices of his tribe, already suspected of casting charms on the local zebra population? Will Jameis Winston, the years of burial having dulled his colors from gold to Brown, rise again to command his terra-cotta army to eat glorious Ws? Or... wait. Quarterbacks of the Class of 2018 have shown a particular susceptibility to this trend lately, and now, they only need one more piece to summon Exodia and win the NFL permanently. Is the Rosen truly destined to bloom once more?!

Why is this happening so regularly now? While undoubtedly much more common in today's time, surely such quarterback exhumations must have taken place at some points in the past as well. What other examples occur to you of quarterbacks once so full of life, burned out, discarded, then burned brighter than ever, consuming enemy defenses in their unholy black flame?

[Bryan]

Why is this happening so regularly now? While undoubtedly much more common in today's time, surely such quarterback exhumations must have taken place at some points in the past as well. What other examples occur to you of quarterbacks once so full of life, burned out, discarded, then burned brighter than ever, consuming enemy defenses in their unholy black flame?

I think "back in the day", you had two types of zombie QBs. You had guys that were good enough when they had protection and the pieces fell in place around them....like Earl Morrall and Norm Snead....and you had guys that got beat up early, took a break, and then resurfaced somewhere else. Jim Plunkett, maybe Craig Morton & Roman Gabriel.

I think now its more common because organizations are so intent on throwing their rookie QBs onto the field right away. I'm not sure if there is much evidence of this approach actually working, but teams keep doing it anyways. Sam Darnold has probably always been good, but he's taken some time and is now back on the field in a better situation. Even Justin Fields is being productive with better coaching.

I think its easier in general for QBs to be productive in today's NFL, so if you can gain some experience and read the field, you can excel. In the past, QBs had to actually be really good in order to have a passing attack. Now, as long as you make the right read, you can lead your team to points even if you are a journeyman (like Andy Dalton). I think the lack of defense makes it easier for the zombie QBs to be resurrected.

Lastly, I think the NFL is currently obsessed with athletic QBs, and will put up with a lot of nonsense if the QB can run and scramble. I think the lower bar makes the zombie QBs look better....like the Panthers switching from Bryce Young to Andy Dalton and getting immediate results. Or like Joe Flacco last year.

[Brian wolf]

And Flacco this year ...

[JameisBrownston]

Come to think of it, I think the other prime era of zombie QBs was the 60s, especially the AFL. Len Dawson is probably the most paradigmatic example of all, and George Blanda is another ideal match. Unitas was more Brady/Purdy, he was never much of anything to start with until he was. Plunkett is easily the next best example, and was pretty much on the same level then as a lot of these guys today.

Earl Morrall, by the stat card, just looks like a guy who was always better than the hand he was dealt, like a whole career of late-stage Fitzpatrick. Never dead, merely sleeping.

[JameisBrownston]

And Flacco this year ...

Flacco is an elite zombie dragon

[sheajets]

Darnold is a double zombie

He started out great for Carolina a few years ago and then turned back into a pumpkin

Danrold played very poorly against the Jets last Sunday but the team overcame it and won...still 5-0 but it was his first bad game

[sheajets]

Why is this happening so regularly now? While undoubtedly much more common in today's time, surely such quarterback exhumations must have taken place at some points in the past as well. What other examples occur to you of quarterbacks once so full of life, burned out, discarded, then burned brighter than ever, consuming enemy defenses in their unholy black flame?

I think "back in the day", you had two types of zombie QBs. You had guys that were good enough when they had protection and the pieces fell in place around them....like Earl Morrall and Norm Snead....and you had guys that got beat up early, took a break, and then resurfaced somewhere else. Jim Plunkett, maybe Craig Morton & Roman Gabriel.

I think now its more common because organizations are so intent on throwing their rookie QBs onto the field right away. I'm not sure if there is much evidence of this approach actually working, but teams keep doing it anyways. Sam Darnold has probably always been good, but he's taken some time and is now back on the field in a better situation. Even Justin Fields is being productive with better coaching.

I think its easier in general for QBs to be productive in today's NFL, so if you can gain some experience and read the field, you can excel. In the past, QBs had to actually be really good in order to have a passing attack. Now, as long as you make the right read, you can lead your team to points even if you are a journeyman (like Andy Dalton). I think the lack of defense makes it easier for the zombie QBs to be resurrected.

Lastly, I think the NFL is currently obsessed with athletic QBs, and will put up with a lot of nonsense if the QB can run and scramble. I think the lower bar makes the zombie QBs look better....like the Panthers switching from Bryce Young to Andy Dalton and getting immediate results. Or like Joe Flacco last year.

He wasn't he really really wasn't

Was he the worst QB I've seen...far from it. But he wasn't good. He made extremely poor decision with the football, didn't see the field well, didn't read defenses well. Not overly accurate (though wouldn't say it was poor accuracy) his mechanics were sloppy and inconsistent. He would make unreal plays as well as bonehead screwups. Just very sandlot